“It’s complicated” is more than a relationship status on Facebook or a really great Meryl Streep movie; it’s likely how we’ve all described our love lives at one point or another. Dating is about learning what we want, and learning comes with making mistakes that result in complications, fights, and even breakups.
As long as you don’t make it again, a mistake can be a huge learning experience and opportunity for growth. However, many of us make the same mistakes over and over again, resulting in bad dating cycles and an inability to achieve our happiest possible relationship. To break out of the cycle, here are eight relationship mistakes we’ve all made at one point or another and what to do instead:
1. “Winning” an argument
Some of us come to relationship disagreements like a lawyer fighting to win a lawsuit. We’re focused on proving a point and showing the other person why they were wrong. We’re human, after all. We come from certain biases that make us believe we’re right and the other person is wrong.
However, fighting to win an argument can foster resentment or even toxicity in a relationship. Most importantly, it isn’t productive for achieving a healthy, happy relationship. “Winning” doesn’t really mean anything in the grand scheme of your love life—besides the fact that you made your partner feel wrong.
What to do instead: The goal is to understand your loved one’s perspective, not to “win” an argument. Instead of proving a point, ask questions to better understand your partner’s point of view. Don’t think of the disagreement as them versus you; think of it as you two against the problem. Bonus tip: No matter what you have to say, it can be said kindly and respectfully.
2. Not setting boundaries
First relationships are usually more like trial periods—we have less of an understanding of our wants, needs, and what’s “normal” (hint: there is no “normal”). Your first relationship then becomes the baseline for all other relationships, meaning we can spend a lot of our dating lives going through the same cycles of partners that don’t make us happy or continuing to make the same mistakes.
What to do instead: Determine what you want out of a relationship and set boundaries accordingly. Be upfront with your dates or significant other on what you’re comfortable with and what you want out of your dating life. Have a list of non-negotiables when it comes to traits in a life partner (like the sense of humor, loyalty, and compassion), and don’t settle for less. Your love life will be so much better when you know what you want a relationship to be.
3. Complaining about your relationship to other people
If your teenage years were like mine and Sex and the City re-runs were as much a part of your life as chemistry textbooks and homecoming dances, you probably had a vision for adulthood that included unrealistic clothing budgets and daily brunch with the girls. Impracticalities aside, Sex and the City told me the main activity to do with my female friends is to analyze every and all part of relationships. But here’s the problem with sharing all the details: Not only does it break the trust in your relationship, but it’s also just not productive and keeps you focused on the negative.
What to do instead: Communicate with your partner when something isn’t right and work through it before you vent to your friends. Fix the problem at its root and build a better relationship instead of focusing on the negative (and probably annoying your friends). Just as a side note: Have more to talk about with your friends besides the latest boy drama (read: dreams, aspirations, and goals)ohers.
4. Social media stalking
I know, I know—this one is tough to come to terms with. You’re telling me I can find out the last three jobs my Bumble match had and see pictures of his ex-girlfriend, and I would choose not to? As tempting as it is, social media stalking can be detrimental to the potential relationship.
